“You’re not healing to learn how to handle pain. You’re healing to be able to receive joy.”
PART 1: WHEN THE PAST FEELS TOO CLOSE — UNDERSTANDING INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS
It’s common for partners to have uncomfortable thoughts about each other’s past. When those thoughts become intrusive — looping, obsessive, or emotionally dysregulating — it’s important to pause and reflect:
- These thoughts are often protective, not necessarily logical.
- They may arise from unresolved attachment fears, internalized messages, or a nervous system on high alert.
- They can be an opportunity for growth — not shame.
Tip: Rather than trying to fix or dismiss the thought, try getting curious:
🌀 “What emotion is underneath this — fear, shame, anger, sadness?”
🌀 “What am I afraid it says about me… or about us?”
PART 2: REFRAMING STRIP CLUB WORK — THROUGH A NON-JUDGMENTAL, FEMINIST LENS
If a partner shares that they’ve worked in a strip club or erotic performance context, it may challenge internalized beliefs or expectations about sex, love, and worth. Consider:
🔸 Strip club work is a form of labor — often involving performance, boundary management, emotional intelligence, and resilience.
🔸 Not all erotic labor is coercive. Many people report agency, financial empowerment, or pragmatic reasons for entering this work.
🔸 Judgments often stem from cultural scripts, not personal truth.
Ask: “Whose voice is in my head right now — mine, or something I inherited?”
Affirmation:
“My discomfort is not her responsibility. I can hold space for both my feelings and her full humanity.”
PART 3: WHEN PAST RELATIONSHIPS BRING UP GRIEF OR ANGER
Some partners struggle to understand why someone they love stayed in a harmful or toxic relationship in the past. If this resonates with you:
- It may help to recognize that trauma responses (fawn, freeze, appease) are survival strategies, not signs of weakness or lack of intelligence.
- Staying is not the same as consenting.
- Leaving is a process, not a single decision.
You might be feeling:
🔹 Protective anger
🔹 Grief about “missed time” or what you wish had happened
🔹 Fear that harm will repeat itself
That’s valid. But healing means redirecting those emotions toward curiosity and compassion, not criticism or control.
PART 4: REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS FOR PARTNERS
Rather than staying in loops of judgment or shame, consider these reflective prompts:
- 🌱 What was I taught about people who do sex- or performance-based work — and how might I unlearn those messages?
- 🌱 Do I believe people must have “clean” pasts to be trustworthy or lovable?
- 🌱 Am I projecting my own fear of inadequacy or abandonment onto my partner?
- 🌱 Can I hold space for complexity — that someone can both survive pain and still be powerful, sensual, and whole?
PART 5: BEING A GROUNDED, LOVING PARTNER (NOT A “FIXER” OR “SAVIOR”)
If you’re committed to showing up in a growth-oriented, non-shaming way, here are some grounding principles:
✅ Respect her narrative.
If she says it was empowering, believe her. If she says it was complicated, believe that too.
✅ Do your own emotional work.
Therapy, peer support, and reflective journaling can be powerful tools for sorting through your emotional responses without placing the burden on your partner.
✅ Avoid requiring disclosure.
She gets to choose how much or how little she shares. Transparency is not the same as emotional labor.
✅ Affirm her dignity.
She is not broken. She is not a project. She is not your opportunity to feel heroic.
PART 6: GENTLE REFRAMES + ANCHORING STATEMENTS
Try these if you feel yourself spiraling into fear, shame, or judgment:
🕯 “It’s okay for me to feel this — and also okay for me to challenge it.”
🕯 “I can love a person who has lived fully, not just safely.”
🕯 “Her survival strategies are not reflections of her worth — or my value.”
🕯 “I want to be the kind of partner who honors the whole story, not just the easy parts.”
PART 7: RESOURCES TO SUPPORT YOUR GROWTH
- 📘 All About Love by bell hooks – for rethinking love beyond control or purity
- 📖 The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – for understanding trauma responses
- 📕 Playing the Whore by Melissa Gira Grant – for insight into sex work stigma and labor politics
- 🌀 Trauma-informed or relational therapists (e.g., via Open Path Collective or TherapyDen)
- 🎧 Podcasts: Dear Sugars, The Place We Find Ourselves, We Can Do Hard Things
FINAL THOUGHT
You don’t have to erase your discomfort.
You’re allowed to sit with it.
But if you want to build something strong with someone who’s lived through pain and power —
you’ll need to meet her with curiosity, not control.
With humility, not hierarchy.
🕯 The question isn’t: Why did she make those choices?
The question is: Can I honor the version of her who made it through?