Spanking Doesn’t Build Connection (and what to do instead)
Many of us were raised with spanking, and cultural and family traditions around discipline vary. This handout shares what research and major child-health organizations recommend, along with options for firm limits that protect connection.
Spanking can stop behavior quickly, but it often does so by triggering fear or shutdown (survival brain: “alarm” or “possum” mode), rather than learning in the wise owl brain (as the kids have “flipped their lids” in fear or anger).
Leadership expert and social researcher Brené Brown describes two ways leaders use power:
- Power over is driven by fear and relies on control, blame, or shame to get compliance.
- Power with/to/within expands when shared. It uses connection, empathy, and accountability to create change and build capacity.
When we’re dysregulated, it’s easy to slip into “power over.”
Connection-based discipline aims for “power with:”
-firm limits plus dignity, repair, and skill-building.
While spanking may result in immediate compliance, it can also reduce trust, honesty, and long-term self-control for many kids over time. Research consistently links spanking with more aggression and behavior problems over time, not fewer.
Many children have a harder time feeling safely connected when discipline involves pain, even when a parent/guardian intends to teach.
What spanking teaches (even when you “only do it rarely”)
Kids learn from what “works” in their nervous system, especially in high-stress moments:
- “Power wins.” Force can become a model for conflict.
- “Big feelings aren’t safe.” They may hide feelings, shut down, or explode elsewhere.
- “Don’t get caught.” Some kids become more secretive because honesty feels risky.
- “Repair is uncertain.” The rupture can linger, especially for sensitive kids.
(These are common patterns, not guarantees. Every child and family system is different.)
Many parents describe the urge to spank as a “make this stop” moment, especially when everyone is dysregulated. Pause long enough to choose a response.
Parent reset (10 seconds):
- Feet on the floor
- Exhale longer than inhale
- Say (out loud or in your head): “I’m the grown-up. I can do this safely.”
If you ever feel like you might lose control, it’s okay to step away briefly (if the child is safe) and get support.
2) Set a firm boundary + keep connection
Boundary formula:
“I won’t let you ________________________. We’ll handle this safely.”
Examples:
- “I won’t let you hit. Step back.”
- “I’m not continuing this while we’re yelling. We’ll talk when voices are calm.”
3) Use consequences that teach, not punish
Look for consequences that are:
- Related (fits what happened)
- Reasonable (not revenge)
- Repair-focused (restores trust/impact)
This approach is supported by major pediatric and psychological guidance emphasizing non-violent discipline and skill-building.
4) Repair afterward (this is the magic glue)
Repair teaches: “We can have hard moments and stay connected.”
Repair script:
“Earlier was rough. I’m sorry for my part. We’re going to practice a better plan.”
Age-specific tools (same principles, different packaging)
For a 4-year-old (tiny brain, big body feelings)
Goal: safety + co-regulation + simple teaching
- Block + narrate: “I won’t let you throw. You’re mad.”
- Move the body: “Stomp 10 times / push the wall / squeeze a pillow.”
- Short redo: “Show me ‘gentle hands’ again.”
- Time-in (not time-out): Sit nearby until calm, then teach.
Consequence example:
Throwing toy → toy rests + later practice “ask for help” and “hands stay low.”
For a 9-year-old (rules + fairness + skill-building)
Goal: accountability + coaching + problem-solving
- Collaborative problem solve: “What happened? What did you need? What can we do next time?”
- Natural consequence + repair: “You broke it, you help fix/replace it (in a reasonable way).”
- Practice plan: “Next time you’re heated, you can take a 5-minute cool-down, then come back.”
Consequence example:
Rude tone → pause conversation + later redo with respectful words + a concrete repair.
For a 14-year-old (autonomy + dignity + long game)
Goal: relationship + boundaries + values
Try:
- Calm boundary + choice: “I’m not doing this while we’re both heated. Take 20. We’ll talk at 6:30.”
- Link to values: “In this family, we can be angry without being cruel.”
- Privilege tied to responsibility: “Phone is available when homework + responsibilities are handled.” (clear, consistent, not reactive)
Consequence example:
Broken trust (lying/unsafe choice) → temporary limit + clear path back to trust (“Here’s what rebuilding looks like”).
“In-the-moment” scripts (steal these)
- “Pause. I’m choosing safety.”
- “I won’t let you. I’m here.”
- “We can be mad without being mean.”
- “Let’s take a break and come back.”
- “What’s the need under the behavior?”
If you already spanked (no shame spiral, just repair)
Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need repairing parents.
Repair script:
“I got too angry and used my body in a way I don’t want to do anymore. I’m sorry. I’m working on safer ways to handle big moments. You’re not bad. We’ll practice a better plan.”
(That repair protects the connection and teaches accountability in the most believable way: modeled by you.)
What leading child-health experts recommend (AAP + APA)
- American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP): Advises against corporal punishment (spanking) and recommends positive, non-physical strategies that teach skills and preserve the parent-child relationship. Read more
- American Psychological Association (APA): Opposes physical discipline and encourages evidence-based, non-violent discipline and parenting supports. Read more
For more support: Robyn Gobbell
| Many folks picture co-regulation and it looks like soothing, maybe even pity, and then dropping a boundary, rule, or expectation.But – that’s not what co-regulation is at all.“You’re coddling them – you’ve got to set better boundaries!”The short version: |
If you want deeper coaching that stays practical and nervous-system informed, these are great starting points from Robyn Gobbel’s podcast:
- But What About a Consequence?!?! (EP 56)
- From Correction to Connection (EP 55)
- Punishment Free Parenting (with Jon Fogel) (EP 206)
- Boundaries with Connection (EP 2 / EP 111)
And/Or Visit her resource hub at RobynGobbel.com
Further References
Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000191
Sege, R. D., Siegel, B. S., Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, & Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. (2018). Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2018-3112
World Health Organization. (2025a, August 20). Corporal punishment of children and health (Fact sheet).https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/corporal-punishment-and-health
Optional Techniques for Setting Boundaries
DEAR MAN —
get what you want / set a boundary
Use when you’re asking for something or saying no.
- Describe: state facts only.
- Express: say how it affects you.
- Assert: ask clearly or say no.
- Reinforce: explain the positive outcome for agreeing.
- Mindful: stay on track; broken-record if needed.
- Appear confident: steady voice/body language.
- Negotiate: offer options, seek win–win.
Template: “When [facts], I feel [emotion]. I’m asking that [specific ask]. If we do that, [positive outcome].” (Stay focused; be confident; offer alternatives if needed.)
Example:
“When music comes on after 10 pm, I’m up for hours. I’m asking that speakers go off by 10. That way we both get rest and stay on good terms.”
GIVE — keep the relationship strong
Use while you’re communicating, especially in tense moments.
- Gentle: no threats, insults, or eye-rolling.
- Interested: listen, don’t interrupt; open posture.
- Validate: reflect their feelings/point of view.
- Easy manner: warmth, a touch of humor, relaxed tone.
Example lines:
“I get why that’s frustrating.” / “Tell me more about what you were hoping for.” (Keep your tone friendly even if you disagree.)
FAST — keep your self-respect
Use to protect your integrity while you ask/say no.
- Fair: to them and to yourself.
- Apologies (few): apologize only when it’s warranted—don’t over-apologize for existing.
- Stick to values: don’t trade your principles to avoid discomfort.
- Truthful: no exaggerations, excuses, or little lies.
Example lines:
“I can’t take that on this week. I want to do quality work, and I’m at capacity.”
“I’m sorry I missed the deadline—no excuses. I’ll have it to you by Friday.”
Which one when?
- DEAR MAN = outcome effectiveness (get the change/commitment).
- GIVE = relationship effectiveness (keep the connection).
- FAST = self-respect effectiveness (feel good about how you handled it).
Most tough conversations blend all three: lead with GIVE, make the ask with DEAR MAN, hold your line with FAST.
LET IT RAIN
R – Recognize what is happening
What is happening in this moment? How and what am I feeling? Where do I feel it in my body? Recognize and name your emotions.
“I’m so mad at myself for failing the test. I feel like crying.”
A – Allow life (the experience) to be as it is
Don’t try to run away or fix it, trying to control it or judge it.
“I’m mad and feel like crying. I’m uncomfortable, but it’s ok to feel this way, even if I don’t like it.”
I – Investigate with kindness, interest, and care
Why do I feel this way? Is it really true?
Mindfully observe your thoughts and where you feel your emotions in your body.
“I’m crying because I’m mad. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s ok.”
N – Nurture non-identification (with self compassion)
My thoughts and emotions do not define me. I am not that feeling or emotion.
Remember, this feeling is temporary, and this too shall pass.
“I can feel angry and disappointed, but this feeling is temporary.”
Big Life Journal Respect and Safety Rules Script examples:
In our family, it is ok to feel angry. It is NEVER ok to use name-calling or hurt each other physically.
It’s important to give your sibling the respect YOU want for yourself.
Respecting each other means sharing how we feel and also taking the time to listen to the other person’s feelings.
In our family, we don’t hurt ourselves, others, or property.
Let’s sit down to talk through what being respectful means to each one of us!
We have rules in our home: safety and respect. Each family member is responsible for following these rules.
When you are feeling upset, please let us know how you are feeling and what is making you feel that way, so that we can understand and help you.
